The Email That Should Have Remained A Draft, But
by coolbreeeze
Summary: Edward walked away from Bella, to "save her" and she hasn't heard from him since. This single lady has more than a few things to get off her chest. Complete summary/title inside. Rated M for language not lemons. Written for the No Stress Love Fest.


**Title: **The Email That Should Have Remained A Draft, But Was Accidentally Sent Due to Bella's Clumsy Fingers  
**Author:** _coolbreeeze_  
**Rating:** R - for language, not lemons. Sorry folks.  
**Characters:** Bella, Edward  
**Word Count_:_** 915  
**Tags:** _Bella, Edward, Crack!fic, humor, AU, New Moon_  
**Prompt(s):** #5 _Alone again, naturally_  
**Warnings:** This is a crack!fic which means I've taken some (read: a million) liberties with a lot of canon elements and this isn't your typical HEA. Please lower your flame throwers. I'm wearing a poly blend material so I'll ignite quickly.  
**Summary:** Edward walked away from Bella, to "save her" (from paper cuts? Ginger vamps? The jury is still out) and she hasn't heard from him since. This single lady (he wouldn't put a ring on it) has more than a few things to get off her chest...and just in time for Valentine's day.  
**Disclaimer:** All Twilight characters belong to Stephanie Meyer, Little, Brown, et. al. No profit was made and no copyright infringement is intended.  
**Author's Note:** I don't do sap, but I do crack...fic that is. Thanks to Tuesdaymidnight for being my pre-reader and beta. And thanks to OnTheTurningAway and Naelany for hosting the No Stress Love Fest!

**Secondary Note:** Because FFn is full of fail, the first four "Dear..." should be crossed out, but this site refuses to keep strike-throughs. Italics will have to suffice. *angry face*

**_oOo_**

February 9

_Dear fuck face_

_Dear shit head_

_Dear life ruiner_

_Dear Virgin4lyfe_

Dear Edward,

You've been gone awhile now, and I can't lie, for a few months after you left, I sat in my room in a stupor. I was a shell of myself. And I don't mean the candy coated deliciousness of an M&Ms shell (and I would know, I made Charlie buy them in bulk from the store), I mean I was empty. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on what side of the coin you're looking at, I had a lot of time to think. And for my own closure, I have some things I'd like to say to you.

*dramatic pause for maximum effect*

You said goodbye to me in a forest! A HUGE forest where I could have gotten lost and eaten by wolves (which I hear are becoming a nuisance in this town...someone should call the Humane Society). It was freezing, and you just left me and walked away in your tweed suit. Two things: 1. Sherlock Holmes called, he wants his outfit back, and 2. You could have offered me your jacket before you left. It's not like you needed it. You're natural body temperature is set at "frigid bitch".

Oh, and thanks for telling me you 'don't want me to come'. It's not the first time I've heard that line from you. At least the time before that, you were attempting to be "sexual" in bed, but I'm pretty sure band nerds got more action than me in the last year. Yeah yeah yeah, you were "protecting my virtue" and you're "a traditionalist" who wants to wait for marriage. But sweet baby Jesus, Mary, Joseph and the 3 Wise Men, if you waited until our first time to come, your spunk would have rocketed out of your sparkle peen so hard and fast I would have launched into the headboard.

Yes, Edward, I did just refer to your member as a "sparkle peen". You're a vampire. Vampires shouldn't sparkle. Glittering bodies should be reserved for 12 year olds who shop at Bath and Body Works...and strippers. It has never, and will never, be manly nor intimidating to sparkle your prey into submission. If a deer has to put on Raybans before it can look in your general direction, you're doing it wrong.

While we're on the topic of your body, you felt like marble. You know where marble belongs Edward? In a fucking foyer, not on a torso. Do you know how uncomfortable it was to lie next to you? It was like sleeping on my floor, but in the winter time. Oh sure, pull up another blanket, that'll fix the problem right? *blank stare* No. Also, knowing that you watched me sleep before I knew you could even get in my room, is creepy. I'm pretty sure I saw a Lifetime movie start like that. And guess what? It didn't end well for Tori Spelling. Oh what's that? Who's Tori Spelling? Google it you asshole. How do you think I discovered you were a vampire and not Batman? It sure as shit wasn't that old ass book from the bookstore. That thing was older than you and only served to get me covered in dust.

Now, don't get me wrong, I love your family and they treated me so well, (Minus Rose who I think has a chair waiting next to the devil) mostly because they never called me 'absurd' like you seemed so fond of doing. But what _is_ absurd is you all thinking you can pass off a 23 year old woman and 26 year old man as your parents. When the hell were they supposed to have acquired you? When they were infants? I sure as shit didn't see any of you on _Teen Mom_. And I've had A LOT of time to watch the glory of MTV programming.

Oh, and thanks a lot for making fun of my truck. Let's compare shall we? I have a vintage truck and you have a Volvo. You, who are 107 years old AND wealthy, drive a car not even my mom would drive. You know, while you're off buying more of that fashionable tweed, maybe pick up a pair of mom jeans to go with your sweet ride. Have fun picking up the kids at soccer practice. Make sure you bring them some Ecto Cooler and apple slices. They'll be starving.

Well. I guess that's about it. I figured I should get this out of my system sooner rather than later. According to all the red, hearts and flowers I've seen around town lately, Valentine's day must be upon us. And just so you know, Jake asked me to hang out. And guess what? I'm going to take him up on his offer. There's something about those overly broad shoulders, slightly beady eyes and puppy dog demeanor that is starting to win me over. In fact, he told me that tonight I can sit on his back while he does some push ups.

I hope wherever you ran off to has sun 24/7 and you sparkle the population into fear. I hear Volterra is lovely this time of year.

Signed,

Bella (don't call me "love") Swan

p.s. I have it on good authority from Alice that if we do make a baby, it comes out with teeth and a taste for blood. Do. Not. Want.

p.p.s. Jasper's hotter.

**_oOo_**

**A/N:** _*peeks out* Thanks for reading and indulging my insane sense of humor. You can read other love fest entries here http:/ community (dot) livejournal (dot) com / twi_love_fest Lots of pairings, ratings, art and overall awesomeness!_


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